I am soaking up the last few moments of spring break and taking full glory in the privilege of an extra hour (or three) in bed in the morning, the cups of coffee that I can get through before they get cold, and the chance to design my dream kitchen in my mind compliments of one too many episodes of Fixer Upper. I love Joanna Gaines, but we can save that for now.
This morning while taking a bath (…amen…) the bubbles had all dissipated because again, spring break, and there I was alone with my body in the clear water. For any woman or man who has struggled with body image issues or an eating disorder, this moment—of facing your body can be the stuff of nightmares. For a long time it was. My anorexic body of nearly a decade ago was not ever attractive to me, but I feared “losing” it. Despite the reality that an emaciated body is not attractive or sustainable, the idea of weight restoring at that point was terrifying to me. Fast forward a couple of years, a transformational extended bout of time in treatment, lots of work on love and acceptance later… and I had begun to make peace with this new and healthy (restored) body of mine. This does not mean that I was able to look at this body of mine and love it the way I wished I could. I loved being healthy and I loved being able to do the things I had so missed, but the body image issues were far from resolved. I would still often look down at parts of myself with unkindness and negativity. I would rarely speak of these things because of the shame that I felt around having these thoughts despite being offered a second chance at life. When I did have the thoughts I felt guilt. Guilt and shame drove the bus in some moments, but I was determined to get a handle on this and take over through engaging radical amounts of love, acceptance and compassion.
Over the years the body image issues reduced greatly and I was able to often find moments of true love for this body of mine, and all of its shapes and curves. Through practicing strict self care (one area I think rigidity is great in recovery) I have been able to experience positive body thoughts more than negative body thoughts. This is a practice that requires engaging the positive thoughts in an exaggerated way and celebrating them, until the negative ones don’t have much of a voice left at all. When the negative ones arise, it requires interrupting them in the moment and redirecting them. Through this practice and the thousands of times that I have engaged and disengaged thoughts I have found a new layer of body love and body peace.
This morning while in the bath I had a moment of acknowledgment and loved everything that I saw. Down to the stretch marks that serve as a reminder and badge of reclaiming by body and restoring the weight necessary for my survival. My thighs and arms and stomach and everything in between. These parts of my physical self represent an enormous amount of work and require immense gratitude and celebration of this work. Sometimes it requires sharing the love you feel towards yourself with others and letting the light of the joy you feel in so that others can see it, too.
As I approach 8 years of recovery this week I am in awe of so many things. I am in awe of the resilience of my body to overcome the terror that I put it through. I am in awe of my support system for standing in solidarity with me through all of the ups and downs. I am in awe of the fact that I can love my body today in a way that I never thought possible 10 years ago, 8 years ago, or even 5 years ago.
To all of you who are struggling, recovering, or in the depths of despair—please believe in the possibility of recovery and reclamation of yourself mind, body and spirit. The path is a long one with many winds but to say it is worth it is an understatement.
Interrupt the negative talk, celebrate the positive, never stop believing self love is available to you, and do something today that will get you one step closer to where you dream of being…
This morning while taking a bath (…amen…) the bubbles had all dissipated because again, spring break, and there I was alone with my body in the clear water. For any woman or man who has struggled with body image issues or an eating disorder, this moment—of facing your body can be the stuff of nightmares. For a long time it was. My anorexic body of nearly a decade ago was not ever attractive to me, but I feared “losing” it. Despite the reality that an emaciated body is not attractive or sustainable, the idea of weight restoring at that point was terrifying to me. Fast forward a couple of years, a transformational extended bout of time in treatment, lots of work on love and acceptance later… and I had begun to make peace with this new and healthy (restored) body of mine. This does not mean that I was able to look at this body of mine and love it the way I wished I could. I loved being healthy and I loved being able to do the things I had so missed, but the body image issues were far from resolved. I would still often look down at parts of myself with unkindness and negativity. I would rarely speak of these things because of the shame that I felt around having these thoughts despite being offered a second chance at life. When I did have the thoughts I felt guilt. Guilt and shame drove the bus in some moments, but I was determined to get a handle on this and take over through engaging radical amounts of love, acceptance and compassion.
Over the years the body image issues reduced greatly and I was able to often find moments of true love for this body of mine, and all of its shapes and curves. Through practicing strict self care (one area I think rigidity is great in recovery) I have been able to experience positive body thoughts more than negative body thoughts. This is a practice that requires engaging the positive thoughts in an exaggerated way and celebrating them, until the negative ones don’t have much of a voice left at all. When the negative ones arise, it requires interrupting them in the moment and redirecting them. Through this practice and the thousands of times that I have engaged and disengaged thoughts I have found a new layer of body love and body peace.
This morning while in the bath I had a moment of acknowledgment and loved everything that I saw. Down to the stretch marks that serve as a reminder and badge of reclaiming by body and restoring the weight necessary for my survival. My thighs and arms and stomach and everything in between. These parts of my physical self represent an enormous amount of work and require immense gratitude and celebration of this work. Sometimes it requires sharing the love you feel towards yourself with others and letting the light of the joy you feel in so that others can see it, too.
As I approach 8 years of recovery this week I am in awe of so many things. I am in awe of the resilience of my body to overcome the terror that I put it through. I am in awe of my support system for standing in solidarity with me through all of the ups and downs. I am in awe of the fact that I can love my body today in a way that I never thought possible 10 years ago, 8 years ago, or even 5 years ago.
To all of you who are struggling, recovering, or in the depths of despair—please believe in the possibility of recovery and reclamation of yourself mind, body and spirit. The path is a long one with many winds but to say it is worth it is an understatement.
Interrupt the negative talk, celebrate the positive, never stop believing self love is available to you, and do something today that will get you one step closer to where you dream of being…