On this journey of recovery I find that I am learning and re-learning parts of myself and this world daily. Early on in my process of recovery I sought out some hugely profound experience that would make me
"recovered" and I noticed panic set in when I had thoughts that did not align with what I thought recovery was supposed to look like. This construct really fits more into the black and white version of the world that ultimately does not exist. The gray area is the space that I have learned to embrace as I navigate the land of recovery. I have found that recovery happens in moments. It happens in eating ice cream sandwiches with my kindergarten students, in laughter with family and those that I love most, it happens in a yoga class when I feel free and grateful for what my body is capable of, it happens when I wake up in the morning alive to see a new day, it happens in moments when I look in the mirror and love the person and the body that is looking back at me. Recovery is a choice and it requires choosing and re-choosing more often than I ever knew possible. It means having the thought that I shouldn't eat any more doritos, and then eating them anyway because they are freaking delicious and stain your fingers orange. It means that if I have the thought that I "should" go for a run, I ask myself if I actually want to go for a run. Generally I don't want to. So I don't. If I actually do want to, then I go and enjoy myself until my body tells me to stop. Food and exercise are not meant to torture us and take up 99% of our waking thoughts. If you are in a place where your reality is constant obsessing and perseverating about these things, I am here to tell you that recovery is yours, too. It will be a long road but it will be SO worth it. Look for the moments of joy, the moments that aren't joyful but that you actually let yourself feel, for the moments when you do the opposite of the disordered thought, and for the gray area. It will not look like you think it should look-- but it will be better than you could have ever imagined. Even on the bad days. Go feel, go nourish yourself, go love yourself, go be truly ALIVE in this world.
"recovered" and I noticed panic set in when I had thoughts that did not align with what I thought recovery was supposed to look like. This construct really fits more into the black and white version of the world that ultimately does not exist. The gray area is the space that I have learned to embrace as I navigate the land of recovery. I have found that recovery happens in moments. It happens in eating ice cream sandwiches with my kindergarten students, in laughter with family and those that I love most, it happens in a yoga class when I feel free and grateful for what my body is capable of, it happens when I wake up in the morning alive to see a new day, it happens in moments when I look in the mirror and love the person and the body that is looking back at me. Recovery is a choice and it requires choosing and re-choosing more often than I ever knew possible. It means having the thought that I shouldn't eat any more doritos, and then eating them anyway because they are freaking delicious and stain your fingers orange. It means that if I have the thought that I "should" go for a run, I ask myself if I actually want to go for a run. Generally I don't want to. So I don't. If I actually do want to, then I go and enjoy myself until my body tells me to stop. Food and exercise are not meant to torture us and take up 99% of our waking thoughts. If you are in a place where your reality is constant obsessing and perseverating about these things, I am here to tell you that recovery is yours, too. It will be a long road but it will be SO worth it. Look for the moments of joy, the moments that aren't joyful but that you actually let yourself feel, for the moments when you do the opposite of the disordered thought, and for the gray area. It will not look like you think it should look-- but it will be better than you could have ever imagined. Even on the bad days. Go feel, go nourish yourself, go love yourself, go be truly ALIVE in this world.